Prelude

2006-09-08T22:07:00.000-07:00

I lived a very turbulent childhood, after my dad died at the age of ten, I got into all sorts of trouble and as I grew into my teenage years, I moved to the United States to be closer to my immdiate family. They all lived out there at the time and I was with my ex wife. I was only 18 when I got married and had never learned any sort of responsibility.

We headed out to the States and I got involved in heavy drinking and street drugs, also some shoplifting. Eventually, my ex wife and young son (we had a child by this time) left me and returned to England. I missed my little boy desperately and still do. We had two sons in all, after a reunion in the States where my ex came back to give it another try. I got involved in street drugs such as marijuana, Amphetamines, Crystal Meth (Crank), Mushrooms, LSD, PCP and others, plus I was drinking a lot

I ended up living with a couple of bikers in an apartment/flat and was living like an animal. It was at that point that I sat alone weeping in my bedroom one day and prayed to God for forgiveness and help.

When I met God

Philippians 4:7, and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. (NIV)

After praying very sincerely, I sat and wept profusely, there was nobody else in the apartment at the time. I felt so ashamed of my whole life. I missed my little boy so very much; I kept a picture of him in my wallet.

A moment or two later, a peace came over me that I couldn’t understand. I felt clean, and safe! In almost an instant of time, I went from severe depression and being suicidal, to this restful and peaceful place. I wasn’t worried about a thing!
It all just seemed to have been washed away in the indescribable peace that overwhelmed me, with a love and safety I had never experienced before!

It was like; a wonderful God had heard me and had wrapped His loving arms around me! I honestly became another person in an instant of time.

I knew then, that God is real! I even had joy in my heart! I didn’t know anything about the Bible, or much about Jesus, only what I heard as a boy, at the Band of Hope.

I knew also that this was a God of immense power, to pull me out of such loneliness and absolute despair. This was no emotional experience or some sort of nirvana, nor enlightenment, this was a very significant and profound, also pivotal point in my life, truly, life changing!

All of my fears, my shame, my worries, were gone! I called my sister back, she was elated, but I didn’t know what to do next. All I knew was that there IS a living God!

I knew that Christ is still alive, and this was definitely no figment of my imagination, or some sort of emotional experience that I had just experienced. I wanted to follow and know this God of huge power and immense love. That was all I could think of; I wanted never to leave this place of being so peaceful and safe.

I also wanted to get away from the situation, living with the bikers there and just wanted to know and experience more of Jesus. My sister knew of a group of young people, near to where she lived who could bring some discipline into my life, and also draw me closer to the God I had just newly encountered.

I asked my brother to run me down to my sister’s place, and then she arranged for me to go out to meet the elders there. I figured that now, I was amongst others who knew this same God. I was much relieved.

The First Church

I sat down with two of the elders in this small Christian community, out in the countryside, about five miles from the town my sister lived in. I told them what had occurred prior to my getting in touch with them, and that I wanted to know more about, Jesus.

They seemed pleased and gave me a bed in a dormitory on the community, called, “The brother’s dorm”. The dorm was headed up by a single man who was related to one of the main families in that particular community, they had fixed up an old church in the nearby town, where they would gather for services every Wednesday and Sunday.

In the dorm, there were guys who were vagrants, ex dope addicts, alcoholics, and just generally troubled men of all sorts, and then there was me. There was also, a “sister’s dorm” on the community, a coordinator’s house and a large dining/mess hall, where they would eat and also meet together for prayer meetings and Bible studies.

They also had two businesses that would keep the place going, financially. One was a custom auto-trim business, the other was a large barn where they made water beds and sold them to the general public. The brothers who were not involved in either of the businesses would go out to work on various types of jobs, cutting firewood, harvesting Christmas trees, or any type of work available. Any wages from the various jobs would be singed over to the coordinator (to fund the upkeep of the community etc) and all the brothers and sisters were given a varying amount of pocket money each week, anything ranging from two the fifteen dollars, in cash. There were also other couples on the community who were given little apartments or living quarters.

I now, found myself in a very foreign setting, considering my previous life up until that point. I had only known (as far as churches go) the Presbyterian Church in Scotland, as a boy. The services of which, were very formatted and formal.

This was entirely different altogether. We would have to be up at seven each morning, to attend a prayer meeting or Bible study before breakfast, every day. We were also required to attend every function or gathering that was scheduled, unless one was sick. Between work and church commitments, both on and off the community, we were kept busy most of the time.

There were certain rules to be followed. They were as follows:

No smoking (I still smoked cigarettes)
No drinking or drugs
Attend all services and other scheduled meetings
No romances with any of the sisters or visiting their dorm
Being available for work every day (Saturdays and some evenings were free)
No swearing/cussing
No fighting
Some movies were banned at the local cinema, as a bad influence (one had to receive permission from the coordinator to see any particular movie)
Lights out at ten in the evening.

I didn’t like some of the rules, I was still very self-centred but figured that the rules were good for me in various ways and that they needed to maintain some semblance of order in the place, so I mostly kept to the rules and schedule that was laid out.

Those who still smoked were required to quit, but if they were struggling, they could go out to the back of an adjacent school, to have a smoke. There was however, always pressure to quit, because it was seen as a poor testimony for Jesus.

The form of services was totally alien to anything I had ever known before. They would sing songs, shout praises to Jesus, speak in tongues (unintelligible language) which I had no idea of. They would prophesy (or give an interpretation of the same) sometimes in tongues or in English, give powerful and very challenging sermons (messages) and give personal testimonies.

Sometimes, if somebody had committed a sin or infraction of some kind, he/she would stand in front of the assembly and confess it, most often in tears and sobbing.
They would hug each other all the time, which I found to be quite nice, I felt wanted, but was known as a “baby in Christ)

The Pastor was a very quiet, but committed man, who lived in town. There was also another man (an older man), who was very bold and gave powerful sermons, which sometimes made me feel guilty, but at other times, excited me. He was very committed and authoritative; his wife was a very kind and wise sort of woman. I respected him as a sort of, father figure and I was always glad when he would preach in the church. He was an ex US Marine, and his sermons always seemed to have an air of militancy, which I liked.

I started to sort of, “do as the Romans do” in the services, prayer meetings and other gatherings, even though, it still seemed a bit strange to me. I was also, baptised in that church, now for the second time.

I got friendly with certain of the guys in the dorm, especially the ones who smoked, and on occasion, I would go off with one of them, and get drunk in town. I was warned about this at first, but not very severely. They would pray for me a lot, to quit drinking and smoking. They would lay their hands on me whilst doing this, which I didn’t understand, but accepted.

It was usually the other guy who got into hot water over the drinking episodes, sometimes in certain cases, to be expelled and put out of the community. I didn’t read my Bible at all during all of this, I didn’t understand it and, being honest, found it pretty boring. I just, mostly, did what I was told and believed what they said to me.

I was still very worldly (as they would say) and my smoking continued. I tried to make several sincere attempts to quit, but just couldn’t seem to stop for long. I started to try to hide it from those in the church and community but got caught on several occasions. The warnings were becoming more severe by now and I was confronted often. One time, I was told by the coordinator on the community, that every time I smoked a cigarette, I had to go to every brother and sister on the community, to confess it and apologize for my lack of trust in Jesus, and my sin. Also, my lack of obedience to the elders and coordinators, on the community.

I tried my level best to quit, but always ended up, lighting up once again, under huge guilt and shame, often weeping at my own weakness. Then I would have to go around knocking on doors and seeking everybody out, to once again, confess my sin.

After some time, the head guy in the brother’s dorm came and spoke with me about my wife and son, who were now in England, living with relatives there. I hadn’t been drinking for some time but still had problems quitting the gigs. They seemed to be more patient with me by this time and probably saw that I could, in time, get into line, so to speak.

Nancy has just served me with divorce papers and they wanted me to be reunited with her. I was told that the Bible says that divorce is evil, and that Christ hates it. I was very reluctant, our marriage had been extremely rocky, to say the least, but I missed my little boy greatly, and would often weep at my loss of him.

Eventually, I agreed, they had an elder’s meeting and decided (since I had no money) to pay for her trip back, if she would agree.

Nancy and Robert Return

Note: (Before I go on, I don’t want to paint a dark picture of this fellowship, in any way. There were many times of love and friendship with those involved there. They we non-denominational, but had fellowship with other Christians in the community at large. They were not elitist in any way that I can recall. They were involved in church planting in other areas of the United States, and in Alaska, trying to live a Godly life and to reach others with the life changing Gospel of Christ.)

They loved me and I cared about and loved them, and still do, these were just my experiences there, from my perspective at the time. I do NOT intend to hurt or offend anyone.

More Backslidings

One of the guys from the church ran me up to meet Nancy and Robert off the plane, at the airport. (I had written to her and she agreed to give it another try).
They came up the ramp, Nancy, looking tired after the journey, and little Robert ran to me, shouting, “Daddy!”

I was elated to see him again to hold him, he was a lovely wee boy with silky blonde hair and so full of beans/life. I was nervous and worried about how things were going to go with Nancy, though. We had had a very troubled marriage, to say the very least, and she was now coming into an environment that was totally alien to anything she had ever known before.

For the first few days, we seemed to make peace and they gave us a little cottage to live in, on the community. The first Sunday morning, the church roared in praise to God that Nancy, Robert and I, had been reunited.

I stopped the drinking binges for a while, tried to keep it together and went out to work each day, but Nancy didn’t like it on the community. So after a time, we moved into town and I got a job cooking in a local restaurant. We had also managed to get a little Volkswagen Beetle by this time. But I had one big drinking session with another member of the commune and I rolled the car into a field, we were both thrown free but I was taken to the hospital.

When I woke up in the morning, hung over and sore from the wreck/crash, I found a drink/driving ticket in my pocket, from the Police. I had to appear in court, within two weeks or so, the car was written off completely and the passenger escaped with minor bruises. He left the scene and was not implicated.

This was now, my second offence for driving whilst intoxicated, I was very scared about going to jail, especially because I had always been very claustrophobic, from my youth. One of the elder brothers went to the court with me to act as a character witness (was very kind of him) and I stood before a judge for the second offence. I was terrified, my knees literally shaking and my voice was quivering.

The judge said, and I quote “Ninety days in the County Jail, suspended) I breathed a sigh of relief, but then I was told to attend a course for offenders of such things, given a three hundred dollar fine, and lost my license for three years. I was severely warned that, if this should happen again, I would be incarcerated without hesitation.

Once Nancy, Robert and I, had moved into town, (I had found a tiny one bedroom cottage) and I was working a job. I scrambled the money together to pay my fine, because at one point, I was late paying it and they issued a warrant for my arrest, the Police came to the house but I was out at the time. I borrowed the balance from a guy, and paid it.

We were still attending the Sunday and Wednesday evening services at the church but not the ones at the community. We gradually began to miss the meetings and then one day, at work, just as I was finishing up, the guy I had been drinking with before, showed up. The restaurant I worked at had a licensed bar upstairs and as a fringe benefit, I was able to receive a free beer after work each day, if I wanted it, plus, I had just gotten paid. I’m sure you can guess what happened, we went up there and my pal was broke, so I paid for a multitude of drinks and spent most of my wages that night.

I woke up the next morning, hung over and broke, I called in sick and my boss was NOT happy about it because he knew I had gotten drunk on the premises. He fired me and I was now out of work again. The rent was due and I had no money, only enough left for groceries and a pack of cigarettes. I started shoplifting to keep us going and I borrowed my month’s rent from the senior elder at the church.
The Pastor of the church came by and told me that I was a poor testimony for Christ and a reproach to the testimony of our local church. He warned me (according to the Bible) that if this continued, I would be disfellowshipped. I told him that I would do my best to be responsible and to be at church for all of the meetings, etc.

Of course, that did not happen and I was warned a second time, then, after the third, I was expelled from the church publicly, from the pulpit. I was furious when I heard about this, I called the senior elder, threatening to fight him and punch him out. He almost took me up on it too. However, he said, and I quote: “Get a job, grow up and get your act together over a long period of time, and we will consider taking you back”.

I worked at one other restaurant in town. It was coming up to Christmas and I had no money for presents, so I shoplifted them all, for Nancy, Robert, my sister, brother in law, and their kids. Shortly after that, I was fired from my job, for drinking and missing work, and we moved into a more major city in the State, about fifteen miles away. I found an apartment there and got a job in a very busy restaurant.

I had become a pretty good grill chef/fry cook, when I was at work, that is. I had three jobs in this particular city, due to my drinking and doping. After all of this, I was caught shoplifting, the store decided not to press charges, but I had tried to lift a large bottle of beer, they fined me one hundred dollars at the store and told me I was never to be allowed on the premises again. They also warned me, that if I did not pay the fine, they would call the Police, and I already had a record, so I made sure that I got it paid.

A short time after this, we had our second son, I will call his name, “Michael”. Again, Michael was born and we had no insurance, so I was now, broke as usual and the medical bills started flooding in.

I also thought that I had walked away from God, when I was expelled from the church, and that my life with this amazing God, was now over. The only thing I retained, by way of some hope, was my original experience of Salvation, and what the senior elder had told me about becoming responsible for a long period of time.
I still knew nothing really, of the bible. I never did study it, but just believed older and wiser men who seemed to know it. I relied mostly on emotions.

By now, I figured that I need to get myself together, get off the booze and drugs and keep a job. The third restaurant I worked at, I started as a line cook on night shift. I was friendly with the manager, he liked me and I was eventually promoted to assistant manager, under his tutorage. I had also started going to Alcoholics Anonymous in the town, started going regularly to a gym and began to feel pretty good about things.

After about a year, I was sober and clean, looking good, had lost a lot of weight (I had always had a problem with obesity). I was becoming very career minded by this time and I wanted to climb the corporate ladder to being assigned my own general manager ship of one of heir restaurants. A new manager had come into the restaurant, who was a Christian and I got very friendly with him, and also, the regional supervisor. (This was a large chain of restaurants based in Salt Lake City, Utah).

I had been going to AA regularly, but had had a few “slips” as they call it. Generally though, I was doing quite well and was very keen on my job, and very ambitious.
During this period, one of the deacons from the church came into the restaurant and was amazed at the change in me. He and I became friendly and I went to the church I was at before and confessed my former sins, from the pulpit. I was then, received back into fellowship.

I left AA, because it was deemed questionable, by the church, plus, I felt that now that I was back in church, and back to Christ, I had no further need of AA. A few months later, I was offered a position as general manager of a restaurant in a northern State, and readily accepted.

The church sent me off with their blessings and the company paid for our removal and helped us to find a house to live in. This had been a troubled restaurant, it was running at a loss and I tried everything I knew how, but just couldn’t seem to make it profitable. To cut a longer story short, they decided to close it down and offered me a temporary demotion, to another restaurant in southern Oregon, I took it, we moved again, finding a house there that we really couldn’t afford.

We were way behind, in fact, delinquent concerning all the medical bills from Michael’s birth, so matters financially were getting worse. I was working a huge amount of hours at the restaurant and Nancy and I were not getting along.

It was about that time, that I met some brothers from another church that had been planted in that town. The manager of the restaurant I was in did not like me and felt threatened because I had been a manager myself. He was very old school and I was young and full of ideas, which he always rejected. It was then that I quit my career with that company and got a simple job, just cooking, in a nearby restaurant.

The Second Church

One day, I had decided to go to the Laundromat to do our washing, I took Nancy and the boys down with me. Whilst we were waiting, I saw two young men, reading their Bibles whilst they waited for their clothes to dry. This impressed me, and I went over to ask them, “are you studying the Bible, or reading the Word?”

They responded with enthusiasm to tell me that they were Christians, and I was very promptly invited to their local church in the town, for the next available meeting that week.

After we got home, I told Nancy that I wanted to go back to church and to begin to follow Christ again. It was also the only chance I could see, that God may intervene and heal our marriage, which by this time was very troubled. I told Nancy that I would go to one meeting to see what it was like, she agreed.

I attended the first Sunday morning meeting. The Pastor was a young man, about my age (early thirties) and was an ex heroin addict. The praise was very Pentecostal in nature (which I was used to) and even more fervent and radical than the first church.
I found that the congregation were all younger people, and mostly ex dopers, ex rock & rollers etc, much like me.

They were exceedingly friendly and I felt that I was very much in the right place. The Pastor’s preaching was hugely powerful, dramatic and challenging. He was also a very charismatic sort of figure and seemed totally committed in his resolve, to take the Gospel to that city. This all excited me.

An altar call was given at the end of the sermon, for those desiring to give their lives to Christ or for those who were backslidden (me) so I was called up to the front of the congregation, and there, repented in tears, for my former misdeeds and sins.
I then felt that I was forgiven and was very keen to keep attending and to get fully immersed in everything they were doing.

(Note: This church was part of a large network of churches, based in Los Angeles, California, but was also linked to three other such fellowships, with exactly the same vision. They raised up couples over three or four years and then sent them to a city somewhere in the USA or abroad, to start a fellowship church there.)

Nancy, me, and the boys started to attend regularly. The schedule of meetings and events was all encompassing and there was always a huge challenge for giving money, by way of tithes and offerings. We were very broke, financially, but by faith, I started to give a tenth of my gross pay, plus at least five percent over and above. We were falling behind on our rent and electric bills, plus we still had the debts from Michael’s birth hanging over us and were continually receiving threatening mail/post every day, threatening court action for the recovery of the same.

I refused to work Sundays on my job to attend church and eventually, they laid me off, it was their busiest day of the week and this would leave them short staffed to deal with the high volume of custom at the restaurant. Now, we received some welfare and food stamps for a limited period, we were living on crumbs but I was even tithing a tenth of my welfare checks. I was afraid of being cursed (they would use scriptures in Malachi about the priests robbing God of tithes and being cursed with a curse) plus, I loved the Lord and trusted that somehow, He would intervene on our behalf.

After a while, I got another job, cooking in a restaurant but was trying to convert everybody there, they hated me and I was eventually, fired/sacked. I didn’t care, I still trusted the Lord. I wanted to be involved in absolutely everything the church was doing and after some time (and being faithful in giving) I was made a deacon.

The schedule was rigorous, as follows:

Church twice on Sunday, Wednesday evening, and Friday evening.

A full hour prayer meeting at seven in the morning every week day, and before every service.

Band practice one night per week. (I played Bass Guitar)

Choir practice one night per week (I was in the choir)

New converts class once per week, which I sometimes attended

Outreaches every Saturday where we would preach openly and put on street dramas

Drama class once per week (I was in the drama group)

Conferences in Los Angeles every six months

Week long revival meeting regularly scheduled about every six weeks to two months

Bible study classes

Outreaches on a Friday night, after church, to local bars and hang outs (These sometimes became quite dangerous and occasionally, involved fights)

Literally, the only free time, was on a Saturday night, after the outreach, which I used to study my Bible.

In between all of this, we had to work a job and were told that, because we are Christians, we should be the best worker in the place.

I was wholeheartedly, although very tired at times, fully immersed in everything and my giving was at great sacrifice to the welfare of my family. This however, was noted by the Pastor and I became the model disciple in every way. I had even quit smoking, drinking, got rid of my television, and girlie magazines, all secular music, all secular books, quit swearing/cussing and I felt then, that I was (as the Pastor would say) living clean for God.

The church was by now, self supporting and growing. The senior Pastor in Los Angeles took note of this, and our Pastor started preaching at the conferences in Los Angeles every six months.

Many times, a visiting evangelist or Pastor from the fellowship (always from the fellowship) would call me to the front and prophesy over me, telling me that I had a mighty calling from God. As a result, I became very ambitious, but held it hidden under a cloak of false humility.

They did not have fellowship with any other Christians outside their network of fellowship churches, they did acknowledge that there were others, but that they were “lukewarm Christians at best, or just, dead in spirit)

After a time, we got behind in our rent, our electricity had been shut off due to delinquency of payment and we were without it for six months. Fortunately, it was in the summer, I cooked all of our meals on a Coleman camp stove in the utility room and we took cold showers. Then, our Landlord served us with an eviction notice. We had no money at all, not a penny.

As the date approached for eviction, I reluctantly asked the Pastor if the church could help out. He told me that he would love to help but that the finances were just not available. I prayed to God to help us.

On the eviction day, we still had nowhere to go, except that one of the men from the church offered to take us in, if it came to the crunch. They lived out of town and already had a big family to contend with and my car was old and unreliable, but I kept it in mind. I drove around the town that morning, on my own, weeping and crying out to God, for help.

Later in the day, before the Landlord arrived, a brother from the church rushed over to see me. Everybody knew of our plight, he had met a man who was actually bodily removed from the church one Sunday (because he disagreed with something the Pastor said). He had just received a large inheritance after his father’s death, and was moving out of a trailer park under the freeway. He heard about our plight and offered to let us rent his trailer. He was a Christian and was not really allied with any particular church, but visited many in the town.

I told him we had no money at all and that we couldn’t even put the electricity in our names. He took pity on us, let us lives in the trailer free of charge and left the electric in his own name. We dumped all of our stuff from the house we had been living in, cleaned it up and moved into the trailer.

That night, I lay in a hot bath in the trailer, weeping with joy in my heart, thanking the Lord that He had answered my call for help. I was on welfare at the time and went to places like the Salvation Army, and other such organisations, for boxes of basic food essentials. I also waited in long lines to receive excess Federal Government cheese, milk powder and butter. I usually gave most of my welfare checks to the church, desiring to be faithful, and to, by faith, continue to trust the Lord for everything.

I will call the man who helped us, “Thomas”. He had purchased a plot of land out in the country and eventually moved us and the trailer onto his own land, and paid me to do work for him around the place. Things like, fencing, digging ditches, painting, and tractor work. He paid me well; he was very kind to us indeed.

After a few months, unbeknown to me, the Pastor of the church we were in, was asked by the senior Pastor in Los Angeles if they would consider moving to England to start a church there (Liverpool, to be exact).

They accepted, and at the next conference, we were all surprised to see them walk up onto the platform in this large theatre, and hands were laid on them, to send them off to the UK. They usually kept such things a secret until the night that couples were to be sent out, and we, from our church, were stunned! We all loved this Pastor and his wife and respected them greatly, but we were also pleased for them.

After their return and after church one Sunday morning, they asked us out to eat with them at a local Mexican restaurant. We considered this a great honour and readily accepted. As we were having our meal, the Pastor turned to me and asked if Nancy and I would be willing to join them in England six months later, to help them build the church there.

We accepted right there on the spot, I was sure that this was another step to fulfilling my great calling in Christ. The Pastor had mentioned us to the Senior Pastor at the conference, we were still British Citizens and held British Passports, so there would be no immigration application, or red tape involved.

We were told to keep it a secret for the six months leading up to the next conference, which we did. We were also advised to file for bankruptcy (for the second time) before leaving the United States. We started the papers right away; we were very excited about the prospect, and secretly prepared ourselves in every way necessary.
During this time, the new Pastor of our church had been told to move me to the forefront of everything. I was preaching from the pulpit quite regularly and made a leader of just about, all of the outreaches.

The great day finally came, on the last night of the conference in Los Angeles, Nancy and I were called up onto the platform in front of fifteen thousand people. We already had been sent our plane tickets and we were told to wave them in the air. This came as a huge shock to all who knew us, because we had kept all of this, very much a secret, until the conference.

Within one month, we were on a jet back to the UK, after a very emotional time of goodbyes at the church. We landed in Manchester airport to be met by the former Pastor and His wife, who loaded up our luggage and transported us to Liverpool.

We stayed at first, with a couple there, who had recently become part of the church and they helped us to find a house to live in, some furniture and the church had raised up enough at the conference to purchase a car for us.

Back to the UK

The problems begin

After a settling in period, I was being used for everything, whilst also looking for work. Liverpool was quite a depressed city at that time and jobs were hard to come by, but eventually I found a job as a catering manager in a food court in a large shopping mall in town.

There were very few in the congregation and the meetings were held in a small rented community hall in quite a rough area of the city. There was the Pastor and his wife, me and Nancy and a handful of Liverpudlians. The Pastor would do his fiery preaching; take up tithes and offerings and hold regular outreaches and prayer meetings with the help of a sister congregation in Manchester. I/we had to be at everything unless work prohibited me.

Then one night, a guy came in to the meeting. He had been coming regularly and very often brought others with him. I was keen to see the church built up and was glad to see him attending. The Pastor had strong views about taking up arms to defend one’s country against foreign oppressors, and this one man went up after the sermon with his bible open. He quoted from Ephesians chapter six where the Apostle, Paul stated that the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but that we rely on the power and might of God to see us in and through everything.

The Pastor balked at this and I was told to remove him bodily, by force, from the meeting. I was also used as an usher there at that time. Fortunately, he left voluntarily, but I was perplexed about the Pastor’s decision concerning this man. This had happened many times before in the States too. The man never came back, nor did any of his friends.

After I got home, I called the Pastor on the phone, telling him that I was perplexed over what had occurred. His answer as best I can remember was, “Well, “brother”, I just trust my Pastor and there is NO NEED for you to be “perplexed”.

That left a sour taste in my mouth. I was hugely tired all the time, I was working full time, trying to get to know a new city, I had taken on a mortgage on the house we were living in and was getting irritated with the rigorous church schedule. Nancy and I were also arguing a lot about various things.

To cut a long story shorter, I fell out with the Pastor and left, most of the small congregation also left as well. I did however, feel a lot of guilt, that I was Judas, that they had paid for us to come over and bought us a car, etc.

More backslidings

I started to go back into the world again, drinking, smoking pot on occasion and bought a TV and some other things on a credit card I had applied for. I ended up with four credit cards and ended up using them to pay the mortgage and buy groceries and such. I felt my life was all going down the drain now, because I had not only left the church, but also had been taught that God’s will, is keyed to local. I thought I had left God.

Nancy, on the other hand, was much relieved and vowed never to return again. She mostly sat at home and did the housework and took care of the boys.

After several drinking bouts and missing work at times, I joined AA again and made some friends there. My kids either saw me as a strict disciplinarian, in the pubs or in AA meetings, or in the church. I had very little time for them, now, much to my heartfelt regret.

Our marriage went from bad to worse and I decided to go back to the church with my tail between my legs. I was received back, but Nancy or the boys wouldn’t go. Needless to say, our marriage became almost intolerable.

One day, the Pastor came over to our house while Nancy and the boys were out shopping. I told him that Nancy will never come back and he said that she was in rebellion to God and that I should expect some sort of great tragedy in order to get Nancy’s attention, to bring her to repentance. I was stunned and afraid about this.

It got to the point where Nancy and I were living under the same roof, but had no communication and I slept in the spare room. Our marriage had completely broken down and she advised me that she had been to see a lawyer about the possibility of filing for divorce.

I informed the Pastor of this and told him that things were so bad in the house that it had become unbearable and was very detrimental to our boys. He told me (with the senior Pastor’s approval) that I could move out. He said, “What else can you do?”

I located a bed-sit room in an area of Liverpool that was closer to work, and moved out, it was a relief in one way, but very sad in many ways also.
I didn’t have a car now, I had been convicted of drink driving in Liverpool and had to sell the car. I was banned from driving for one year and had to take busses or taxi cabs everywhere, or by train.

I saw my boys as often as I could, between work and the church schedule and I was absolutely broke. The Social Services were now onto me for child support but I had no money, plus I had run up other consumer debts and was behind on the mortgage at the house. I suggested (through my lawyer) that the house be sold and the equity split, before the Building Society or second mortgage lender (which I had taken out also) repossessed the house and we would be left with nothing.

Nancy reluctantly agreed and the house was put up for sale.

Divorce and Remarriage

I went to work each day on the train. I was lonely but also relieved that I was away from the furore in the family home, especially for the boy’s sake. I thought that it may be easier on them, that there would be more peace in the house. I tried to see them as often as I could. I would take a taxi up to the house (pre-arranged) and Robert wouldn’t come, so it was just little Michael and me. We would go to a restaurant somewhere, to eat and I was delighted to see him, but was grieved that Robert didn’t want to see me. I figured he was mad at me and felt that I had abandoned them.

A short time after this, I went to a manager’s meeting in Southport, arranged by the company I was working for. It was there that I met Judy. I found her very appealing and quite extrovert and liked her right away, but there was no thought of dating at that point. It was after another manager’s meeting, that I saw her again (she worked for the same company as me) and again, no thought of a date or anything.

It the interim, I was up to my eyeballs in debt, involved with the divorce court, behind on child support and was becoming very depressed. I was also very lonely and I was missing my two sons and often wept in my room. I also had a lot of guilt over the whole thing.

It was after about two months that I plucked up the courage to call Judy on the phone and ask her out for a meal, in Southport. I was surprised that she was still there (she had lived in Canada for twenty years and told me she was thinking about going back)

She was on her break at the time, but came to the phone, she had remembered me from the meetings two months prior to my call, and I, very nervously asked her if she would go out for a meal with me. She accepted. I caught a train out to Southport and we went to a Chinese restaurant and ate there and had a couple of drinks.

I noticed she was wearing a Christian pendant around her neck, I asked her if she was a Christian? She replied, nervously, yes. She most likely was thinking that her faith in Christ may put me off, but I was delighted and told her that I was a Christian also. We went for a walk afterwards, mostly talking about our faith, and then she took me up to her flat to meet her youngest son. I will call him Billy.

I liked Billy right away, he was just a regular sort of young guy who would sit and listen to his music on his headphones, so as not to disturb our conversation. Judy made me a coffee and I had to catch my train back to Liverpool. She saw me to the station and before I left, we agreed to meet again. I had also told her that I was fully committed to the church I was in, and she seemed keen to begin to come to the meetings, which I was delighted about. I fell in love with Judy, pretty much right away and felt that God had brought her into my life.

We met on several occasions, but I made sure there was never anything sexual between us, because I was taught that it would be fornication in the eyes of God, so we refrained. The Pastor liked Judy a lot, so did his wife, but they were aware of the dangers of fornication and advised me, accordingly.

Meanwhile, the worry of Nancy leaving the house and the possibility of losing the equity, plus the other worries of that time, were beginning to get on top of me. Divorce papers had been filed, I was always giving money to the church, seeing Judy and trying to work a full time managerial job, it was all too much.

One day, at work, I just cracked in the middle of the food court and broke down in tears. The assistant manager told me to go home and see a doctor, which I did. The doctor told me to stay off work for a month, gave me anti-depressants and sleeping pills, and told me to take a holiday.

I couldn’t stand the church schedule anymore, I had come to a point where the simplest of tasks were hugely difficult and I was still missing my two boys. I was hugely depressed. Judy saw me shortly afterwards and told me that I looked very grey and gaunt, she agreed that we needed a holiday, so I decided to take her up to meet my mother, in Scotland, whom I had not seen for some time.

We took out a loan for a new car, in Judy’s name, and she decided that she would drive up there, under my instructions; she had never been to Scotland before. When the Pastor heard of this, he was furious, telling me that I would end up in fornication, that my divorce was not even final and that this was very much against God’s will.

I felt very guilty but by this time, I didn’t care much about anything, apart from taking this trip with Judy. At that point, I left the church, so did Judy, but I was under HUGE guilt. I just couldn’t stand it anymore and took the train out to Southport to see Judy, she was out at the time, so I sat on a public bench and prayed and said to the Lord: “Father, I don’t want to go back there any more”, He replied to me and just said, “OK”.

It was at that point that I decided, with Judy and Billy’s agreement, to move from Liverpool and into Judy’s flat in Southport. We rented a van and I brought the bits and pieces from the bed-sit with me, and moved in. It was then that we started sleeping together, I felt massive guilt over this and thought that God would now, have nothing more to do with me.

I just went back into the world again, found a local managerial post in Southport and tried to sort out my life, especially concerning my divorce and dealing with the family house, etc.

After a month or two, Nancy called me on the phone, they had found a house back in South Wales that they could rent, and for some reason (which I can’t recall) she wanted Robert to stay with me for a time. She knew I was at a new address in Southport, but had no knowledge that I was with Judy.

I had to tell her the truth, which she balked at and told me “ok, you are getting on with your life, but you have lost your kids now”.

I was devastated, I had wanted so badly to see Robert and have him stay for a while. I wanted to sit down with him and apologize and open my heart to him, but this was now, shot to pieces. Nancy and the boys moved to South Wales, we rented a van and emptied the remaining contents of the house and a couple bought it, at a discount. The equity was then held in trust, until both parties could agree on the fair dividing up of the same.

I knew that Nancy now hated me, the boys too, especially, Robert, who by this time, was around sixteen years of age.
In the meantime, the Pastor of our former American church in Liverpool was returning to the States and get in touch to say goodbye, we had them out for a meal and on leaving, they pleaded with us to return to the church, which was now under a new Pastor, but we never did.

I was back in the world now; at times we tried a few churches but ended up, just walking out for one reason or another. I started some drinking binges again and was becoming horribly obese, eating for comfort and feeling very guilty. I had also acquired a Solicitor/Lawyer, in Southport to fight my case to gain visitation to my two sons. This was a long process and very stressful, which led to more drinking and comfort eating.

Back to Liverpool

We ended up moving back into Liverpool (my job in Southport had gone belly up) we secured a post in Liverpool, managing a fourteen bedroom guest house in a conservation area of the city. It was right on the edge of a large inner city park.

We enjoyed the informality of it at first, but we became prisoners there, only going out one at a time, to do any errands, etc. I was lonely and felt very isolated and started the drinking binges again, in order to gain some sort of social life. This left Judy to take care of most everything, but I did some maintenance in the bedrooms and let Judy go out as she needed to, when I was feeling well enough to do so.

This went on in this same pattern for about a year and then we decided that we couldn’t stand it any longer and gave in our notice and found a small one bedroom flat in another area of the city. We were on welfare then and financially, things were very tight indeed. We had to quit smoking and started to take long walks along the River Mersey to get some exercise, by this time, I was morbidly obese.

One day, we drove by the old church building that the Pastor of the second church had been renting and found a new Pastor and his wife had opened it up under a different name. We decided to get in involved there.

The Third Church

This was another American Pastor and his wife that had been sent out from another branch of the same fellowships network in the States. They had opened up in the same building and we were almost, literally the only ones in the congregation. Others would pop in at various times but we began to go faithfully.

We were not employed at the time but were paying tithes and giving offerings from our welfare payments from the Government, so we were very broke.

We also got fully involved in all of the outreaches, again with the help of the affiliated church, in Manchester. Unbeknown to us at the time, there had been a big split between the churches in America and the former one we were with had veered off into having fellowship with other churches and Christians, for which we now rejoice!

However, this particular one remained with the more militant branch of the fellowship, had nothing to do with other churches and spoke the language we were used to.

One particular week, an evangelist came over from the States to preach in revival services for a week. Each night, he would ask if anybody wanted to go up to the altar for either salvation or for any other needs. I went up, and when he asked me what I needed, I asked him to pray that the Lord would help us in the area of finances.

There were quite a few visitors that night. He asked me “publicly” if I paid my tithes. I was very embarrassed but said, yes. Then he asked me if I gave offerings? Again, I replied, yes. Then he quoted some verses from Malachi about the priests robbing God of tithes and offerings and said to me, “Why should I pray for you, if you do not pay tithes and give offerings, you are cursed with a curse from God”

I was totally dumbfounded and embarrassed because I HAD been paying tithes off my welfare, faithfully and even giving offerings. We were behind in our rent, our car was without any road tax or insurance and I was having trouble finding a job at that point.

The Pastor of the church gestured to him that I did in fact, pay tithes and give offerings. Then he prayed for me. The whole thing was a very humiliating experience indeed.

After a few weeks, I was reading in my Bible that we are to call no man on earth, “Father or Master”. I took that to also mean “Pastor”. The Lord does not give out badges and titles but gifts and functions. I told the young Pastor this and he was offended. I began to just call him, by his name, as he did with me, but he didn’t like it at all. He told me at one point, that because I was divorced and remarried, that I couldn’t even so much be used to take the collection plate around during services.
He told me to go check it out in the Greek.

Because of the lack of growth there (and some other things), we lived in abject loneliness and the Pastor and His wife spent less and less time with us.

We eventually decided to miss church one Sunday morning and went over the River Mersey to Wallasey, a beach resort; we enjoyed it very much and decided that we weren’t going to go back. I called the Pastor and his wife over to our flat and told them we were leaving for two reasons. One was that we needed fellowship and the other was because of elitism and that the church had no affiliation with other Christians outside of their own group of fellowship churches. They left, very offended.

From Church to Church

We tried Pentecostal churches, Baptist churches, Brethren churches. WE walked out of most of them for one reason or another. Then we tried to get our own group going at home, which fell apart after a few weeks.

The Fourth Church

Then we met yet another American Pastor/Evangelist who had come from a missionary work in South Africa to help out a struggling church, in Liverpool. He was originally from Tennessee and his wife was from Texas.

They were hugely friendly and would see us a LOT and invite us over for some great meals. His wife was an excellent cook. During these times at his house, he would speak a lot about water baptism as being essential to salvation. I had already been baptised three times by this point, but he became insistent that this baptism had to be the entrance into the one true church.

He told me at one point that I was not truly saved by God, unless I was baptised into the church he was in. I was aghast at this at first, but he was very convincing.

The short story is that Judy and I both got baptised yet again into this church. I remember a sinking feeling in my spirit as I was doing this and there was no joy in it at all.

By this time, I had been working as a cook in a staff canteen for a large pharmaceutical retailer in Liverpool city centre plus we had moved out of town. I was losing time from work a lot due to bouts of severe depression; I was missing my two sons and just about had had enough of churches and church schedules by that point.

We broke away from that church and I just went back into the world.

Back to Scotland

Just before we left Liverpool, a couple of books had been given to me, both written by men who had been instrumental in proposing that the New Testament church met in homes, rather than in buildings. I thought that this made a lot of sense and felt that this was perhaps my calling now, my new agenda in Christ.

After a short holiday to visit one of my cousins in Scotland, I was offered a job in the Scottish highlands and we saw it as an opportunity to go back home and move away from the city.

When we arrived in Scotland, I was too depressed to take the job and we ended up back on welfare and living in a static caravan/trailer park. Later I got another job but just couldn’t seem to cook the way they wanted and ended up getting fired.

I went to the local GP in the town and he referred me to a Psychiatrist who diagnosed me, as manic/depressive. He put me on Lithium and other anti-depressants and we were given council house/projects, in town.

I spent two years unemployed, with the curtains/drapes closed; the phone unplugged and became morbidly obese from eating huge bars of chocolate for comfort. I would rent out three or four videos per day and lay on the couch most of the time. I thought my life was basically, over. I only went out at night or in the car with Judy, I didn’t want to see anybody or even talk with anyone on the phone.

After a while, I was referred to a mental health support group, which got me out during the day and began to reintegrate with others again. We joined a Pentecostal church in town but I wanted them to break up into house groups, this was met with opposition and I was seen as a threat, which I probably was, because I was not so subtle about it. I had an agenda called “house church” now.

After two years had passed, I wondered if God was even real, I began to question everything, the Bible, my past experiences, the church, other Christians and despaired of life itself. I was also extremely bored.

The government offered to place me in a computer course, so I did it mostly, for something to do. I spent three months on the course and managed to buy a second hand/used computer from a young kid, in Perth.

I got onto the internet and punched in “House Churches” to see if anything came up. To my amazement, there seemed to be quite a lot of them, all in the USA and most, in their infancy. There was one man in particular who impressed me. He had been a Baptist Minister for years, in probably a high salaried position, but had left at the call of God and under the disdain of many in his community.

I started to correspond with him and after a time, he invited me to attend a gathering of like minded Christians, in that particular State. I scrambled enough cash to get a ticket and headed out there for the gathering.

House Churches “The eighth or ninth church” Lost count

I arrived in the States in good time for the gathering. A man met me at the airport and he and his wife kindly drove me to the town that the gathering was being held in. Everybody was just arriving and the ex-Baptist preacher had secured a nice cabin for me to stay in, which was greatly appreciated.

I found this man to be very warm and welcoming,kind and gentle, his wife was a very kind soul and they were so glad to meet me. The others there were all very friendly also. The first night was a barbeque in the back garden of an old plantation house, where we had time to eat, meet everyone and give a short testimony of who we were and why we were there.
It was most enjoyable and a time I remember now, with great fondness.

There were several meetings sheduled for that next few days and at certain times, another brother would spend the night with me in the cabin. I clicked very well with all three who stayed with me, plus others in the general meetings which were scheduled mostly at a lady's house, nearby.

The meetings seemed quite pentecostal/charismatic in their proceedings, but I was used to that. There was quite a cross section of people there, all ages, and varying backgrounds, most of which, like myself, had been in more mainstream churches at some point in their lives.

(I enjoyed the meetings, yet there was latent in me, some things that were not so good. In retrospect, looking back now, I had been involved with very strong and militant sort of men, whom I had viewed as father figures, and there was in me, a dependency, also a mistrust, plus a lot of selfish ambition, which was drilled into me from years previous.)

Even though I enjoyed my time in the meetings, there was also a suspiscion in me, plus a critical spirit, for which I now regret.

After all the scheduled meetings were over, one of the brothers who had stayed with me at the cabin, invited me to spend the second week with him. I became friends with him very easily, he's that sort of chap :)

Just before I left, the ex-Baptist minister stuck some money into my shirt pocket, which was very kind, I wished him well and went on my way with the other brother, in his van.

He took me all over the place, showed me some of the countryside, took me out for some great meals and we had a great time together with almost continual fellowship in the Lord. He also took me to meet some other brothers in his area, who I also clicked with right away.

Then it came time, to return to Scotland, just before I left, this brother gave me the URL to join an email house church list where people would write in from various places, to speak of their experiences.

I uploaded that as soon as I returned to Scotland and began to receive around thirty emails per day.
I also kept in touch with the ex-Baptist minister and all those I had met when I was out at the gathering. He had offered to come to Scotland at his own expense to encourage Judy and I and they even took up a collection to buy us a decent computer so we could keep in touch (my old one had crashed).

There arose in me though, that suspiscion and critical spirit that had been latent in me from my former experiences and distrust of Christian leaders and I ended up offending and critsisng all those who had been so kind to me. I burned them, and those on the list too and I dropped a bomb on them in this way. They never did come to Scotland because of my attitude at the time, which again, I regret to this day.

I caused a bit of a furore on the email list one day by telling them to put their bibles away for a year and to hear God alone. This caused quite an uproar, but I was in turmoil at the time, even questioning the validity of the scriptures because I knew they had been handled by translators and I knew that God can speak.

I ended up leaving that list and one other, but there was a man who would lurk on that list, who wrote to me privately, saying that what I said was great. I then began to correspond with him, only.

Please note: Those folks I met at the gathering, out of all the experiences I have had, were the least judgemental and kindest Christians I have ever known and after my sincere apologies, I am now in touch with them again, for which I now, rejoice :)

The Tenth Church

It was through meeting this one man, that I/we entered into the most elitist and extreme house group that I could ever have imagined possible. I was geared for it too, I had lots of elitism and pride latent within me and I had been of a more militant nature myself, which had been fed by some previous affiliations.
This particular group saw themselves as the one true church of Jesus Christ on earth today, all others excluded.

(Note: it is very difficult at this juncture, to write about this group because of two reasons, one is that I want it to be in the right heart, and secondly that we are still recovering from the indoctrination, pain and hurt of having left them, only six weeks ago)

I was fed up to the back teeth of other churches and Christians at the time, I had seen all the bickering, divisions and disagreement before and this particular group appealed to me, because I saw a lack of those things. I was well prepared and ready for such an experience as this.
I was aware that the leader of this group and various others had left a more mainstream church and had formed a group, which at the time was led by a man they had named as an elder. This man had been studying to become a Pastor and his daughter became pregnant, out of marriage and he was refused the position on the grounds that he could not keep his own house in order.
Just before I met the man on the email list, they had gone through a split in the group and a new leader arisen out of the remaining members. He had said that he was called out of his mainstream church and that God told him, that He is a prophet.

Unbeknown to me at the beginning of my affiliation there, many of the members of this group had previously been part of the unorganized Militia, whose doctrine and creed is very anti-Government, based on “prophecies” and anti-Federal Government conspiracy theory propaganda. This came through in the new leader’s preaching, mostly from the Old Testament.

They wanted to know nothing of a loving and gentle Christ who came to save men and who is able to deliver people from, or through any given hardship, one who even died for His enemies. They only spoke of a militant Christ and His wrathful judgement at the end of time as we know it.

The leader himself was/is a very charming, handsome and charismatic individual with a good knowledge of the scriptures and is very well informed, both politically and otherwise. A clever fellow, indeed. He was gaining more and more power (with the help and adulation of his followers) until it came to the point where, to question him or disagree, would be tantamount, to rebellion against God Himself.

They were also amassing weapons, to make their final stand against Government tyranny, which other young men in the group, (myself included at the time), were being drawn into. These are young, sincere and impressionable men, mostly with young families. The man I met on the email list was almost like a second in command and everything was basically judged and scrutinized by these two men.

They said that everything was known, in the group, by the “Amen”. If those two men agreed, it was pretty much, final, and of God.

When I first met them, I had been diagnosed by my GP as manic/depressive and was taking Lithium, which is a mood stabilizing drug. One day, the leader told me that I was not mentally ill, and I weaned myself off of the drug and stopped seeing the doctor. The ramifications of having done this, later led into some hugely manic episodes, where I went off into crazy tangents, getting myself into huge debt, giving up our house and moving into a trailer in the hills to escape the ID cards which were termed as the Mark of the Beast.

There is no doubt in me, that evil does exist in Governments and in high places, but it always bothered me that a Christian would take up carnal weapons, where an all powerful God could intervene, or perhaps allow these things to occur.

(There were Zealots alive and functioning in Christ’s day also, but Jesus Himself preached the Gospel of the Kingdom, where men could be free, even under the tyranny of Rome. He did NOT become a zealot. The tragic end of Jewish zealots occurred at Masada, which is not unlike many of the more recent tragedies we have seen in this century, and Christ had nothing to do with it at all.)

In this group, worldly marriage was not recognized, the medical system, police, fire Dept, and any sort of trade and industry was always, the Devil’s kingdom. That being the case, those things were to be “by faith” refuted and we were to stay away from them. Even Veterinary Surgeons were looked down on, so at times, our pets were made to suffer until God would either heal them, or let them die, as according to His will.

Over time, there were certain things we had to accept “by faith”. They were called, “offences”.

One was that the leader took to himself, a second wife and had the mindset that there may be more yet, at God’s word. We were told that to judge him would be likened to judging King David and his many wives and concubines, or judging Jacob and his wives.

Another one, was his arsenal of assault rifles, combat knives and automatic hand guns. He kept a cache of dozens of cases of live bullets, just waiting for, what he termed as, “the crunch”. This is very much Militia indoctrination and hugely dangerous thinking, as in the cases of Ruby Ridge, Waco, and the Oklahoma City Bombing. This particular man was a poster child for the Militia prior to its dissolution after the events in both, Waco, and Oklahoma City.

(Note: David Koresh himself was not Militia oriented but did have weapons. Whether the ATF or Koresh was at fault (perhaps both) there is no doubt that Koresh, although sincere, influenced his followers to die for his beliefs.)
Militia indoctrination certainly lives on in this man, and the group itself is fully indoctrinated now, with the exception of a couple of others who privately expressed their fears to me. Judy and I were asked to go out there to the USA, illegally (when the crunch came) upon one phone call from this man. Judy lived in constant fear of the phone ringing. Later on, I decided to remain in the UK. I had no desire to go to America. All of these things were being done in the name of “Christ’s Liberty”.

There were visits back and forth, mostly us going out to see them, but in the last couple of years, some came to see us. Most of our contact was in a computer chat room on the internet, which was 24/7 and also by a private email list and by phone.

We began to think like them, talk like them, and we were reduced (mostly me) to an almost childlike state of dependency of both, the group itself and the leader/s. All were becoming like clones of the two main men, taking on their mannerisms, and terminology.

We broke away once before, four year ago 2001, but I sought no outside help and ended up going back, which in itself, was a nightmare I’d rather never experience again.

As time went on, we noted personality changes in many of the group members. There was less and less talk of Christ and more and more websites about Government conspiracies. We were beginning to wean away and we began to be rather fed up of going into the chat room to see more and more of this sort of misery.

We were also living in abject loneliness, fear and isolation. We had been alienated from family, friends, and from society in general, unless they were willing to “hear Christ in us” and come under the auspices of the group. We hoped and prayed for this, but it never happened. Not much wonder!

Then, one day, we met a family we had known nine years prior and we went one evening, to visit them. We told the American group about them, that they are Christians and that we want to be with them. They were very cautiously pleased to begin with but in the end, disapproved.

It was so refreshing for Judy and I to actually feel welcomed by this particular family and to sit with somebody HERE, in this country! We decided right there and then, that if it came down to it, we would lose the American group, if we had to choose.

That night, I uninstalled the chat room from our computers and the phone began to ring the next morning. The confrontational phone calls were upsetting to say the least. We were accused of defying Oneness in Christ, listening to evil spirits, going off into fatal folly, leaving God, etc. I wanted to leave as quietly as possible, and if it be possible, without any animosity, but this was not to be the case. I ended up hanging the phone up on every call, I just couldn’t seem to make them understand that we just wanted to move on now.

The exiting of that particular group has been horrific, but the story has not ended yet.

The Final Group (or is it?)

During the trauma of coming out of the American group, the family we were now seeing were very friendly to begin with, feeding us meals, spending lots of time with us and showing us that we had been involved in grave error.
We had become like little children, looking up to father like figures and submitting ourselves blindly to everything that would proceed from their mouths as if it was proceeding from God Himself. Our dependency now went onto this man, the head of this family, who himself is a very strong, well informed individual also.
We were in the midst of great hurt and grief over the brutal things we had been told when we left the American group just four days prior, when this new man told us that computers are evil and of the Devil.
He told us to get rid of them, otherwise he would not be able to associate with us. We were deathly afraid of being left entirely alone at this point and now, the thought of even losing association with them, was too much for us.
I noticed that this man had a television in his living room, uses a mobile phone/cell phone and asked him: “what’s the difference?” He replied that he only watched the news and that it was good for him to have a television because it helped him to resist temptation. I also noted that they had a television in the bedroom, on which his grandchildren were watching kids videos. He said that he never received revelation from men, but only from God Himself, which reminded me of the last man in the American group.
However, like little children, we went home and took a crowbar to £1000.00 worth of brand new computer equipment, thinking we were pleasing God.
The next morning, we woke up, and I said to Judy: “we have gone from the frying pan into the fire here”. We were both absolutely livid, that we had been so stupid as to be so duped by this man, not only him, but all the others previous.
The one group that I bore fondness of was the folks in Texas.
This brought us to where we are now. September 2006.

The current Situation

We decided to have nothing further to do with that particular family, nor return to any of the groups or churches we had been involved with previously, apart from one.
We got in touch with the folks from the house churches in Texas who are so kind and forgiving and helpful, to this very day.
We realized that we had been involved in Christian Aberrancy (Christian groups/churches with cultic tendencies) and began to seek help from medical professionals and organizations who deal with people such as ourselves who have been scarred by cults and aberrant groups.
We also contacted our local Presbyterian minister, who is a kind and gentle soul, he pops round often even without the expectancy that we will join his church. We have read a lot of material and educated ourselves on cults, aberrant Christian groups and we are in the midst of recovery ourselves.
We also read a great amount of literature on the American Patriot movement and the rise of the Militias in the United States and found a lot of identification there.
In short, we are beginning to think for ourselves!! Our emotions are pretty numb, but we have seen God answering our prayers consistently and see His hand in so many ways now. It will take time to forgive those from our past, but forgive we must, we ask God to work that in us.
Inch by inch, day by day, we get better. As for what to do concerning “Church”, well, we will leave that up to the Lord.
We have known Him mostly as a wrathful and legalistic God, also as a God who allows just about anything in the name of “Liberty” but in my heart, I know that the liberty spoken of in the scriptures, is found in His presence and it is a liberty of knowing that Christ alone has paid for all of our sins with His precious blood.
Now, we have to rediscover God, the God who first came to me all those years ago, in America, and gave me peace and rest. This is now the God I wish to pursue.
Throughout my troubled walk, I have known Him in that way, perhaps just a number of times that I could count on one hand. In that place with Him (so close I felt I could touch Him) I didn’t need a doctrine, a Bible, a gun or anything else, just Him alone.

THAT is the God I want to follow now and commit the rest of my life to.

Cameron.

In Conclusion

Most/many groups or churches start out well, they are made up of sincere people. People who are perhaps seeking a greater expression of Christ, people who are perhaps lonely and desire to have a feeling of belonging. Others are vulnerable and in pain and are seeking answers to life's problems and mysteries.

This can also be true for the leaders of such abusive groups and cults. The problem is of course, human nature itself, not God.

Man has an innate desire to dominate, to ascend. Man also has an innate bent, to place other men on pedestals and where a group becomes insular and elitist, these things are bound to manifest themselves.

So, who is God? What is His true nature? If a man truly belongs to Christ, then, through time and healing, His nature will be found, within. If a man does not belong to Christ, then know, that He loved you so much that He took your sins, pain, hurts and shame on His shoulders, in your stead, that if you will allow Him too, you can know His love.

Judy and I are now in a place of healing, this will take time, but Christ is faithful and His promises stand true, forever. That is our hope.

Cameron's Story and Judy's Story

This isn't only for us

Judy

Cameron

Prelude